I had something to tell Mr N, and it wasn’t pleasant. I carried a long list of complaints about things he had done—and left undone—the previous day. I was hurt and furious, searching for the right words to express my feelings without igniting the kind of quarrel we’d had before. After jotting down every grievance, I read the list and realized it would inevitably start a fight if I sent it as written.
I remembered a line of wisdom from Mary Kay Ash:
Sandwich every bit of criticism between two layers of praise.
So I went back to the top of my message and added a gentle opener: “Thank you for being the amazing man you’ve been.”
Then I closed the message with, “Love you still.”
Putting those lines in place wasn’t as easy as it sounds. I was boiling with anger and wanted to unleash it. I had to pause, breathe, and let the Holy Spirit work through me. When I reread the message, the tone had changed completely. The first draft sounded like a resignation born of anger; the revised message sounded like someone who loved her partner despite being hurt. That small shift made a big difference.
By God’s grace, I carried on at home as usual, not behaving like someone nursing an injury. When Mr N read the message, he came to me, embraced me, and apologized. He explained his actions but still offered a sincere sorry. That response isn’t guaranteed every time, which makes it all the more precious when it happens.
Too often I’ve damaged my marriage with words I later regretted—words spoken in anger, words flavored with bitterness. The consequences were never good. Scripture advises that our speech should be seasoned with salt:
“Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you should know how you will respond to each person.” Colossians 4:6
As someone who cooks a lot, I’ve learned that no matter how many ingredients you add to a dish, without salt it will be flat. Salt brings a pot of beans to life. Likewise, speech seasoned with salt carries life—it isn’t bland or bitter but balanced with the right words and tone.
This kind of speech doesn’t occur by accident; it requires conscious effort. You must decide to say what’s right at the right time, to look for the good rather than fixating on what’s wrong, and to hold back every thought that surfaces. Not every thought should be spoken—Scripture warns that the heart is deceitful, and that only a fool says everything on his mind:
“A fool uttereth all his mind: but the wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.” Proverbs 29:11
You’ve got to appreciate the King James flavor at times.
So next time you feel the urge to say something harsh to your spouse, pause. Take a deep breath and sandwich your criticism between genuine praise. Begin with something positive and close with reassurance. I’ll never forget when, after an argument, Mr N told me he still loved me despite everything. That moment grounded me in his love and commitment, and it still comforts me now.
May we use words that reassure our spouses of our love and dedication.